the unfamiliarity of a feeling haunts her. never been the type of girl that thinks much of it, she feels strange and not herself. the thought of adoring someone and being comfortable turned on her fight or flight response system, she tried to run. her first attempt to run was to deceive herself, “it’s only the feeling i get from talking to someone older, wiser, and more rational, nothing special about it”.

3 months pass, her diary even more fulfilled of it, the small things about it. the more she tries to run, the more it chases her. she feels like exploding, wants to tell her friends but she couldn’t, she doesn’t even sure what this feeling is how come she tells her friends, she doesn’t have the words, she’s scared it may chase her even more if her friends know.

she finally gained the power to tell someone, someone who’s reckless enough to not remember it. it’s ok, she only needed to express it to someone before she really explodes. a week later, she regrets telling that one friend, tried to reverse it she tells the friend that it was all not serious and she was only joking. “no one can know” she tells to herself.

it gets worse and worse every day, her fight or flight response gets tensed and more tensed. she really wants to express it but she just doesn’t have the ability to do so. even, when she talks to the person who causes it, she tries so hard to show herself that she doesn’t have it anymore, she tries so hard to deceive everyone.

this morning, she woke up feeling tired and wants to talk to the person. she refused her desire and decided to open her diary and write her heart out.

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